In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Not now. I’m deglazing.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.