cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away