I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
groan^2