so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.