Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Anime is real
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon