[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
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STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?