Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes