The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
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The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.