“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
The best plant holders?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*