If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing