My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
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Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
*me flirting
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
reviewed some movies recently
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Effort made
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.