Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
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Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman