*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday