“Everybody freeze!”
-November
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
notice
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.