“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
You Might Also Like
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*