Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.