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Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Bobby pin
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me: