if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.