Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
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Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.