I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
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Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Become a minion. Get that bread.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now