He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Taliband
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.