Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”