My safe word is now just a dry cough.
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I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.