If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD