It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
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HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
In case you needed to hear it:
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.