listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I’m having an out of money experience.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*