Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
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“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
“Huge”.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I falcon love using swear birds
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done