Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Never forget.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good