I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
i love meeting boys on tinder
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I wanna be friends with this person
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story