Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!