My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
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Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Teach your children to beatbox