The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
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Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.