All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.