My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
some cats are just doing for fun!
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?