Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
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Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers