POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
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Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom