6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
You Might Also Like
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I’m awake but I object,
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Seems legit
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric