My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
this came to me in a vision
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.