I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
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Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Basically.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose