Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
You Might Also Like
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
#CatsOnTwitter
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much