Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
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Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Best misinterpreted text ever!
WHY?!
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad