I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
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“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
A little too much information.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.