There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
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Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Best table by far
The internet is full of many things
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Strangers have the best candy.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”