yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
You Might Also Like
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
🤣🤣
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head