Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
2022 be like
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.