So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.