Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
The days of good grammer has went
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Banking tips
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes