look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Happens to everyone.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”