College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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#Caturday
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches