Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
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Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.